We never know when the first significant loss in our life will be, nor do we know how we will react or what the emotions will be. When I became suddenly and unexpectedly single at age 30, I had no emotional vocabulary to put into words what I was feeling. I knew I had to be strong for my two preschool-aged children. I was busy looking for a new job, seeking education to help me grow professionally and personally, reading self-help books one minute and story books to my children the next. To say I was busy was an understatement.
My feelings were ignored and unidentified and life was a giant "To Do" list. Then I attended a workshop about transitions, and in one simple phrase, I felt validated and normal. The relief was astonishing. If you are grieving any loss, you know that you begin to question your own sanity, as so many emotions swirl inside you like a vicious tornado. What was the validating phrase?
"Transitions are a time of beginnings and endings with emptiness in between." EMPTY! That was it! At last, that dull, low, lost feeling had a word that seemed to capture what it felt like to have to start over while functioning with multiple voids. I had learned that you could be empty, even if your tank (schedule) was full, stuffed, gorged, overloaded. No matter how full and busy our lives are as we are carve out a transformed identity due to our loss, we must make sure we find the right kind of fuel for our unique empty tank. We can fill our car's gas tank with our favorite beverage, but it won't take us anywhere.
For some people, the fuel that genuinely fills a void is interactions with friends or business associates. For others, it is artistic expression of many kinds. This can be writing, painting, singing, dancing, or playing. I discovered having a core group of people I regularly connected with soothed the emptiness, eventually causing it to transform into a feeling of renewed hope and value.
It is therapeutic to begin to be active again in the midst of a loss. The key is in making sure we find what feeds our transformational capacity to be a renewed person, using our unique gifts to fill our own voids and help others fill theirs. Instead of being empty on full, we become, simply and abundantly fulfilled.
Comments