Rays of Hope in Times of Loss

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  • Scattered Memories
  • Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul coauthor) interviews Susan
  • Grief is NEAR
  • C.A.R.E. Image for Caregivers
  • Getting a GRIP on Grief
  • New Rays of Hope book just released in 2021!
  • Keep HOPE with you!
  • HOPE
  • Natural Tears
  • Feeling alone in grief

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  • Articles (28)
  • Books & Resources (6)
  • Poetry (10)
  • Susan's Reflections (22)
  • Testimonials (9)
  • The 5 Stages of Grief (1)
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C.A.R.E. Image for Caregivers

stain glass windowIn my mother’s last year of life, I’d been her primary caregiver for eight years. That’s when I changed the photo of her in my cell phone directory to a picture of stained-glass windows.

It instantly reminded me to say a quick CARE formula if my mother was calling me. It helped me manage my emotional reaction of fear or panic, because she only called when something was wrong.

When I’d see the stained-glass windows of my mother's listing when she called, I’d quickly remind myself to take in C.A.R.E. now:

C for Compassion - A for Acceptance - R for Readiness - E for Energy

Compassion means concern for the troubles of another. Of another. It takes grace and effort when the expected and unexpected duties call. It requires selflessness. Not easy. But without the grace of compassion, emotions that come in its stead tend to be internally damaging. Anger? Resentment? Set them aside when in the throes of service and seek simple compassion.

Acceptance means to assume an obligation, to receive. Our degree of willingness to receive the obligations of caregiving most certainly vary from day to day, even moment-to-moment. But when each duty calls, the best path to serenity is surrendering to acceptance.

Readiness means prepared and available. I came to view being ready as remembering to expect the unexpected. Regardless of the patterns that had fooled me into thinking certain things were predictable, readiness reminded me there would always be periods of change. It helped me stay ready to serve. Yet additionally, I remained open to have other service providers ready in my absence.

Energy in its simplest definition means effort and capacity for action. Praying for energy includes asking for help when the best decision might involve action and service assistance from others. In my meaning of energy, it also includes empathy. This brought the CARE acronym and meditation full circle, as it returned me to committing to the energy of trying to feel the feelings of the person in my care.

CARE came to me after experiencing what happened the day before Christmas eve my mother’s last year. We'd just picked her up the evening before for our family Christmas and she was well. But the next morning she called to report that she was having trouble breathing. My immediate reaction was a familiar form of panic...hurry! Last time this happened, she almost died. My own breathing grew shallower. Time for action: Drop everything. Jump in the car. Drive to her apartment. I'm speeding on the inside but being careful to drive carefully on the Minnesota winter roads. Got my set of her keys? Check. Brisk walk up to her apartment door. Wheelchair needed? No, not this time. Escort her to the passenger side of my car. Drive. Carefully. Stop the temptation to speed.

Pull up to the emergency room (ER) door, illegally park so close I feel like I'm almost through the glass. Check in at ER desk. Rush back to car so it's parked in legitimate space. Run back into ER from parking space. Everything seems in fast motion until we're "placed" in our own ER room. Then the pace slows to a crawl. Her breathing problem is determined to not be an emergency. It needs attention and treatment, yes, but the tests happen in bad movie-like slow motion. EKG, then wait an hour. Chest x-ray. Another hour? The four blank walls of the ER room start to seem like a prison cell. In between the next four hours there's more tests: blood, urine, BP, walking, oxygen, IV - no, wait - the IV was done in the first hour. In the fourth hour, the IV tube was used to administer the extra medication.

It's not pneumonia this time. Good! But fluid on the lungs is caused by "some" congestive heart failure. How much is "some?" I never find out. "Come on, non-medical brain," I scold myself. "Ask all the right questions!" Be her ears; she can't hear well. The medical people seem to never catch on to that. I tell them the obvious, "She can't hear you. Could you speak up?" I feel so alone. Anger lurks.

What's the determination? Admit into the hospital, or released back to the freedom and fearfulness of home? Only the doctor can tell us, but he's vanished. We're assured he'll return soon (maybe when he's come back from the junior prom, I find myself thinking – when did doctors get so young?). Ah! He's back. I wonder where he parked his prom tux! The pronouncement is made, "You'll be going home."

Bless the caregivers of the world. They give infinite physical and emotional care. Their unexpected journeys take them to places in the heart they never knew were there.

I know new dimensions of myself now. Some of them are painful, involving grief. Nothing is fully predictable. So, I find ways to be creative to help me focus on the elements of this journey that must take priority.

CARE is a much bigger word than I ever knew. It has multiple definitions, including, "a person or thing that is an object of anxiety or solicitude." As a caregiver, I learned to recognize that phenomenon, but decided it wouldn’t be what defined my caregiving existence. What I found more helpful was to embrace "watchful attention" and "to feel interest" as the definitions of caregiving on which to focus. That brings some soothing balance and a heightened ability to remember my CARE formula and receive its ingredients – Compassion, Acceptance, Readiness, Energy – when I need them most, especially now, years after my mother has passed.

May you also find Compassion, Acceptance, Readiness, Energy on your caregiving journey. Take CARE!

February 17, 2021 in Articles | Permalink | Comments (0)

Getting a GRIP on Grief

Writer Roxanne Sadovsky wrote, "Rays of Hope is a gentle guide and companion for everyone, taken as a daily vitamin to keep you company when grief swallows you whole." Her phrase, "when grief swallows you whole" is a fitting description of how it can feel at times. 

When you feel the most lost, that's when working through three potent prompts is especially helpful. Because loss has a tendency to swirl around in our minds making it seem infinite in time and space, an awareness exercise can tame the swirl and bring about some elements of finite from the seemingly infinite sense of loss.

You can think of this exercise as getting a GRIP on grief when it has a grip on you. Or if you prefer, think of it as getting a GRIP on growth. GRIP is an acronym that provides the 3 potent prompts that slow that swirl of seemingly endless loss. It's best to write out whatever comes to mind to these prompts (but thinking it through has value too): What is:

Gone?

Remains?

Is Possible?

Be sure to answer what remains after you've answered what is gone (or lost). If you're doing the exercise with limited time, limit the list of losses to five, so you can make sure you've added at least five on your list of what still remains for you. This is because losses seem to become magnified in times of grief and it's easy to lose track of what you still have.

Best of all, listing what remains starts to grow once you begin to raise your awareness of it. And moving into what is possible gives you the healing balm of thinking of the future again, catching a glimpse of hope as you continue integrating change into times ahead.

 

February 05, 2021 | Permalink | Comments (0)

New Rays of Hope book just released in 2021!

Rays of Hope Cover final

It has been an honor to create therapeutic poetry, prose, and even a few acronyms for the Rays of Hope books in combination with nature scenes that I’ve had the pleasure to photograph over many years. Since publishing the first Rays of Hope book in 2005, new and revised sections with all new photography have been created. Many people have expressed a sense of calm from the blend of words and pictures. My desire is that you will find encouragement and comfort in their beauty and messages of hope.

When hope lights the way, it gives us a vital and needed glimpse of feeling better. Creative outlets can provide a powerful aid to finding additional coping methods to help us through the pain of grief. When we create and allow several channels of communication to remain open, they become the rays of hope that lighten the load, heartening us throughout the twists and turns of our transition journeys.

The poetry throughout Rays of Hope conveys some of the emotional challenges of life transitions or loss of a loved one. Each poem intentionally ends with a ray of hope, even if earlier it reveals some of the most painful elements of the grieving process. In “A Heartening Blend,” we see hope’s appearance as the benefit received from searching for the courage to cope with loss and change.

A Heartening Blend

 We wonder if there’s a ray of hope,

While fearing we can’t possibly cope. 

Lost in mourning, we’re unsure what to seek,

But if we keep searching, sometimes braving a peek,

 Two miracles will appear in a heartening blend,

One we’ll find in nature, the other in a friend.

Owl Harwell

"Susan Zimmerman shared powerful stories of courage in the face of life's most challenging situations. She masterfully inspired hope, touched hearts, and uplifted spirits. Her message has an immediate and lasting impact in changing people's lives. Susan made our event shine even more brightly than we could have imagined." ~ Jill Konrath, Chief Sales Officer, Selling to Big Companies

 

January 22, 2021 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Keep HOPE with you!

DSC02657When we're struggling due to difficult changes in life, it's helpful to keep this acronym in mind: HOPE!

Why? Because it helps us remember four important steps for healthy coping:

H - Honor your feelings that emerge and respect their purpose. Every grief cycle deserves acknowledgement to help ease the way.

O - Openness to new experiences, people, and ways of navigating forward helps bring periods of peacefulness.

P - Persevering even when we feel like giving up helps us trust in our capabilities for overcoming adversity.

E - Encouraging ourselves to find our inner resources for courage helps us take needed actions at each phase of transition.

By remembering HOPE:  Honor - Open - Persevere - Encourage - you'll find new degrees of trust in your ability to find new HOPE throughout life's many transitions.

 

October 28, 2020 | Permalink | Comments (0)

HOPE

0 sunset stunning use

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOPE

It was once a wish, a love, or an aim.

Holding tight didn’t assure a forever claim

To familiar comforts, with nothing changed,

Of never having to be rearranged.

 

Amidst the turmoil, along came new hope.

Slowly nudging us up the steep slope

Of coping with loss and changed conditions,

Lighting the way for our new life’s transitions.  

June 08, 2020 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Natural Tears

Sometimes the sky

Reminds me to cry

When it's raining 

Pouring

Storming!

The sky is not inhibited

Its tears are allowed to fall

Freely

In complete trust of their natural

Cessation.

The rain pours down

Unconcerned

that it may be inconvenient

for others.

Falling

free

is

Beautiful

Bountiful

0 Itazy rain storm

June 01, 2020 in Articles, Poetry | Permalink | Comments (0)

Feeling alone in grief

Duck Lebanon Park 2011

Mourning a loss is a unique experience for every individual. At times, grief may bring feelings of isolation when we long to be connected to another. We may wish another's grief was more similar to our own, and when it isn't, we are surprised by emotions of betrayal or anger.

Honor and remember your strengths. Being unique in your grief can be peaceful and beautiful.

Open - Be open to your full experience, even through the pain.

Persevere and trust that your pain will ease over time.

Encourage yourself by identifying your courage and beauty in new ways.

This is HOPE: Honor-Open-Persevere-Encourage.

These components of HOPE will help you more peacefully accept your grieving process and that of others.

 

May 13, 2020 in Articles, Susan's Reflections | Permalink | Comments (0)

Anniversaries of Loss - Emotions Can Still Surprise Us

It doesn't matter how many years, or even decades have passed since a significant loss happened. It's important to know that it's not unusual to feel a return of some of the intensive emotions that were part of your earlier grieving. Conversely, you may experience new emotions that never occurred during your early grieving experience.

Our brains and bodies have memories that may reside in our unconscious minds. It's not unusual to be unaware of an anniversary date when the day begins, yet when you see the date for the 9th time that day, you suddenly burst into tears realizing it is the five year anniversary of a loved one's passing. 

This happened to me last year. It was my first day back at the office after a speaking engagement that was out of the country. The travel schedule had been challenging and I'd been very preoccupied with the material I was presenting.

My first day back to the office began with the usual catching up tasks. Multiple emails, all containing the five year date of my mother's passing, flew by me unnoticed. But when I scheduled an appointment for later that day, the date suddenly loomed large and bold and flashing in its significance. MOM! It's been five years! I miss you! I wish I'd kept the dress you'd sewn for me when I was eight. The one that had caught fire when I stood on the stool by the stove to talk on the phone. The one grandpa noticed and shook out before the flame ever touched my flesh. The one you repaired with your seamstress mastery. You patched the burned out area so precisely, that the patch was completely invisible. Oh, Mom, you were so talented!

Were there any emotions in this five year anniversary realization? Absolutely! They ranged from gratitude and wonder, to regret and sorrow. And no matter what their intensity, the facts remained. The best thing I could do was notice the emotions, allowing them to be felt, and embrace their authenticity. Share the story with trusted loved ones of my mother's patching the burned dress. And speak of the quiet love that my mother didn't talk about, but demonstrated in many other ways. Rays of hope shined bright on the memories!

2004 Muir

 

March 26, 2020 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hope's Glow


Significant loss can be raw and new. Grief also has a way of revisiting us on holidays or anniversaries. Either way, its force can be unexpected and overwhelming. It throws us off course, filling us with despair and emotional pain that feels unbearable.

Perhaps "Hope's Whisper" will help you move through this day.

**********************************************************************************************

Where is hope when you’re in despair,Muir sunray star

When grief engulfs you everywhere? 

 

Hope is in the light that filters down,

A dim ray at first, upon your frown.

 

Hope’s glow then shines into your heart,

And gently whispers, “Once more, start.”

 

It warms you from the inside out,

And in that warmth, you move through doubt.

 

Next thing you know, faith tiptoes in,

Beaming bright upon your long-lost grin.

 

Hope and faith shine together with Love,

To light your path from powers above.

 

Take heart as you move through this day, these hours.

February 11, 2020 in Poetry | Permalink | Comments (2)

Changes, Large and Small

Change is defined as "to make or become different." How such a small word and simple definition can capture the multitude of adjustments, thoughts, and emotions that accompany it, boarders on mind-boggling!

Changes occur in every aspect of our lives, including our work, family, and social circumstances. It may have been unexpected, coming out of the blue. Or it may arise from a decision you purposefully and thoughtfully made. Either way, it requires adjusting from how things used to be to how they now are.

Change takes us into the experience of transition, requiring us to navigate movements that may contain uncertainty and a feeling of imbalance. What are some of the best ways to weather changes and transition?

  1. Make a conscious, even written list of circumstances that will be altered as a result of the change.
  2. Note what aspects of the change may bring about positive experiences.
  3. Acknowledge losses and difficult emotions, then set goals for how you want to progress through them as you do your best to manage difficulties.
  4. Expect some surprises as a result of change and establish a mindset for adjusting to those as well. It’s impossible to be perfect in anticipating all the pieces of the change, so be mentally ready for any that crop up that you’d missed.
  5. Stay connected to trustworthy people who understand the situation and can be a sounding board for additional decisions you’re facing. Ask them to listen openly when you simply need to vent frustrations.

The range of change is far-reaching. The better we become at knowing how to be at “home on the range,” the better we’ll feel as we navigate all its unfamiliar, yet often beautiful paths.

Lebanon

February 21, 2019 | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Rays of Hope in Times of Loss

  • Rays of Hope: Lighting the Way in Life's Transitions and Losses
Rays of hope
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