Rays of Hope in Times of Loss

Feeling alone in grief

Mourning a loss is a unique experience for every individual. At times, grief may bring feelings of isolation when we long to be connected to another. We may wish another's grief was more similar to our own, and when it isn't, we are surprised by emotions of betrayal or anger.

Honor and remember your strengths. Being unique in your grief can be peaceful and beautiful.

Open - Be open to your full experience, even through the pain.

Persevere and trust that your pain will ease over time.

Encourage yourself by identifying your courage and beauty in new ways.

This is HOPE: Honor-Open-Persevere-Encourage.

These components of HOPE will help you more peacefully accept your grieving process and that of others.

 

Fathers Day

It snuck up on us - Fathers Day. My husband and I both lost our fathers this year, 2007. It was strange, not spending time looking for just the right Fathers Day card, going from buying two to zero. But there was still celebrating, and we went on a river cruise. Our daughters toasted Steve. We toasted our dads with our cranberry juice. The two flags to us, meant our fathers enjoyed the cruise, too. Even the high bridge gave us a peaceful feeling of their crossing over.

Puppy Love

A client of mine recently talked with me about the death of her puppy from a tragic accident. She said, "I didn't know I was so attached to him - I didn't think I'd ever quit crying. Reminders of him were everywhere." The conversation had actually started because of her friend whose child had died in an accident. She spoke of how difficult it was to find any words of comfort, because she had never lost a child. Then she thought of her puppy, multiplied 1000 or a million times, which gave her some sense of the devastation these parents were feeling. She shook her head, knowing there was no comparison. Yet her own memories, her helpless feeling, and her wish that this friend could find some comfort and relief remained. We acknowledged together that there is no way in conversation with a grieving parent to compare a pet to a child, yet it helped her to safely re-validate her own grief and frame what her friend was going through. The shift had happened. The grief of another took her back to her own. Where do you go from there?

Memorial Day

My husband and I both lost our fathers this year. One funeral was in March and the other in early May. We're thinking of them this Memorial Day, but both cemeteries are 5-6 hours away. So the rearranged shelves at home are our visiting place, containing reminders of them that make us smile. If we need to cry, they help us do that as well. My father gave me my great-grandfather's pocket watch and it hangs encased in glass on one shelf. My husband's father gave him his great-grandfather's pipe collection and it has found its special place in our home also.

Hiding out in the familiar

Have you ever caught yourself doing something you do not enjoy, yet you've been doing it daily? This can be something as minor as using the same toothpaste your mother made you use in childhood, to something as major as your life work. Sometimes we get good at something, only to discover our skill isn't something that brings us fulfillment. Yet to ask the question, "Should I change?" seems not to occur to us because the perceived risk of change is too great. Fear of the unknown is paralyzing, so we stick with the familiar because we have learned to tolerate it. Or maybe we don't want to waste what it took to "get there." This could be anything from money and time required to train and educate ourselves in our field of work, or perhaps there are people who have come to count on your productivity and you don't want to abandon them. So we forsake ourselves and we hide out in the familiar of our routines. How do you know if this is what you've been doing?

Harmony and Death

My father-in-law died last week and I had the honor of being part of a family group that was in remarkable harmony. The four adult children along with their spouses, all around 50-something, worked, grieved, and rejoiced individually but also as a harmonious team.

The Turtle Hurdle

I wrote a poem for a class assignment about my pet snapping turtle when I was seven years old. It was called “Yurtle the Turtle” and I remember how therapeutic it was to write it, because Yurtle had died crossing the street after being set free.

The only lines from the poem I still remember are:

Yurtle the turtle lived in a window well,
Yurtle the turtle was swell.

The strangest thing happened when my book, Rays of Hope in Times of Loss – Courage and Comfort for Grieving Hearts, was about to go to print. I was aware of how frightened I was at the prospect of sharing this book with the world, so full of serious poetry – something I’d never dared to do before. I even wrote about Yurtle and how I’d not written serious poetry since that time, speculating that it must have been because no other poetry assignments had been required.

But the uneasiness I felt was so persistent. I finally asked myself, “Why are you so afraid of this? What is making this fear so intense?” And within a few seconds, it became clear to me from a memory I’d forgotten. It is the rest of the story about Yurtle.

Award Yourself Crisp Courage

More than 20 years ago, I nicknamed myself Crispy Critter. It originated because of the simultaneous entry of my hands and blowing hairdryer into a sink full of water. A sudden flash, zap, and sparks dancing up the cord to the outlet happened instantly. But miraculously, I didn’t get any shock at all – other than the shock of not being shocked to death! I was still just fine, but I can’t say the same of the hair dryer.

Moving is a Moving Experience

When Elderly Parents Must Leave Their Homes

Are you, or someone you know involved with tending to aging parents who may be moving into nursing homes or other similar facilities? Try to keep this in mind: “Moving is moving.”

Moving is one of those words with multiple definitions:

1. to go or cause to go from one point to another; depart
2. evacuate
3. to change or cause to change position or posture
4. to take or cause to take action
5. to show marked activity
6. to make a formal request, application, or appeal
7. to change one’s residence
8. to stir the emotions

It is definitions 7 and 8 that we must all keep in mind for folks who are helping elderly parents, or ARE the elderly parents. Downsizing, especially when coupled with medical reasons for the change in residence, stirs the emotions in many ways.

A First Faint Appearance

"A first faint appearance" is the definition of a word I became curious about recently, because of spring, Easter, and the repopulation in the stores of those tremendously sugared marshmallows - PEEPS! They have gone way beyond the traditional yellow chicks, now in other shapes as well, like bunnies. But they're also in many colors, too - bright red, blue, violet, and pink as well. What makes spring a favorite season is the budding new growth seen everywhere, the return of chirping birds, and in Minnesota, anyway, the return of temperatures that don't frost bite your nose off! I wondered - what would the dictionary say the definition of peep is? And sure enough, I found a definition that beautifully fit spring - "a first faint appearance." What a shining ray of hope that offers! And it fits what happens in the grieving process also. What are some examples of a first faint appearance in grief?