Rays of Hope in Times of Loss

Recent Posts

  • Scattered Memories
  • Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul coauthor) interviews Susan
  • Grief is NEAR
  • C.A.R.E. Image for Caregivers
  • Getting a GRIP on Grief
  • New Rays of Hope book just released in 2021!
  • Keep HOPE with you!
  • HOPE
  • Natural Tears
  • Feeling alone in grief

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  • About Rays of Hope (4)
  • Articles (28)
  • Books & Resources (6)
  • Poetry (10)
  • Susan's Reflections (22)
  • Testimonials (9)
  • The 5 Stages of Grief (1)
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Grief is NEAR

Coping with the stress of transitions and loss has some common passages that are normal, though not comfortable. The sheer intensity and unfamiliar nature of emotions in grief can cause doubts about mental health, so it can be helpful to know that others have experienced similar reactions. Use the acronym "NEAR" to help you remember these grief reactions. It's comforting to remember NEAR:

    N is for Numb. Especially if a change is unexpected, the early emotions that come are due to the shock or denial of what's lost. Initially, we may feel very little other than a numbness that helps us cope.

    E is for Emotional. After the numbness begins to wear off, many emotions may surface, from anger and denial to deep sorrow and anxiety. The emotional intensity is heightened in the early months of loss and usually diminishes over time.

    A is for Adjusting. Loss engages us in a continual and challenging adjustment as we begin to live with what has changed in our transitioning lives. Acceptance is a word that's difficult to grasp, especially in the early period of a significant loss.  Adjusting and accepting evolve over time and are never fully completed. They can be described as a recognition that the earlier periods of emotional intensity fade and we begin to incorporate the loss into our current lives. Acceptance does not mean we are "over it" or that the loss is okay with us, it simply means our psychological resistance to it is diminished.

    R is for Rebuilding or Reconstructing. Life continues on with our renewed participation in it. We begin more fully integrating necessary changes to honor our discovered new meanings. We're able to ponder the future again.

What else is changing in your life? Your answer may be considered a positive change or a painful one. Transitions can trigger multiple layers of stress, even with positive changes such as graduations, marriage, or birth of a child. Move through this site at your pace and know you will make it through this difficult time.

Get the book Rays of Hope: Lighting the Way in Life's Transitions and Losses for beauty, soothing messages, and guidance that comforts in multiple situations. 

April 02, 2021 in Articles | Permalink | Comments (0)

C.A.R.E. Image for Caregivers

stain glass windowIn my mother’s last year of life, I’d been her primary caregiver for eight years. That’s when I changed the photo of her in my cell phone directory to a picture of stained-glass windows.

It instantly reminded me to say a quick CARE formula if my mother was calling me. It helped me manage my emotional reaction of fear or panic, because she only called when something was wrong.

When I’d see the stained-glass windows of my mother's listing when she called, I’d quickly remind myself to take in C.A.R.E. now:

C for Compassion - A for Acceptance - R for Readiness - E for Energy

Compassion means concern for the troubles of another. Of another. It takes grace and effort when the expected and unexpected duties call. It requires selflessness. Not easy. But without the grace of compassion, emotions that come in its stead tend to be internally damaging. Anger? Resentment? Set them aside when in the throes of service and seek simple compassion.

Acceptance means to assume an obligation, to receive. Our degree of willingness to receive the obligations of caregiving most certainly vary from day to day, even moment-to-moment. But when each duty calls, the best path to serenity is surrendering to acceptance.

Readiness means prepared and available. I came to view being ready as remembering to expect the unexpected. Regardless of the patterns that had fooled me into thinking certain things were predictable, readiness reminded me there would always be periods of change. It helped me stay ready to serve. Yet additionally, I remained open to have other service providers ready in my absence.

Energy in its simplest definition means effort and capacity for action. Praying for energy includes asking for help when the best decision might involve action and service assistance from others. In my meaning of energy, it also includes empathy. This brought the CARE acronym and meditation full circle, as it returned me to committing to the energy of trying to feel the feelings of the person in my care.

CARE came to me after experiencing what happened the day before Christmas eve my mother’s last year. We'd just picked her up the evening before for our family Christmas and she was well. But the next morning she called to report that she was having trouble breathing. My immediate reaction was a familiar form of panic...hurry! Last time this happened, she almost died. My own breathing grew shallower. Time for action: Drop everything. Jump in the car. Drive to her apartment. I'm speeding on the inside but being careful to drive carefully on the Minnesota winter roads. Got my set of her keys? Check. Brisk walk up to her apartment door. Wheelchair needed? No, not this time. Escort her to the passenger side of my car. Drive. Carefully. Stop the temptation to speed.

Pull up to the emergency room (ER) door, illegally park so close I feel like I'm almost through the glass. Check in at ER desk. Rush back to car so it's parked in legitimate space. Run back into ER from parking space. Everything seems in fast motion until we're "placed" in our own ER room. Then the pace slows to a crawl. Her breathing problem is determined to not be an emergency. It needs attention and treatment, yes, but the tests happen in bad movie-like slow motion. EKG, then wait an hour. Chest x-ray. Another hour? The four blank walls of the ER room start to seem like a prison cell. In between the next four hours there's more tests: blood, urine, BP, walking, oxygen, IV - no, wait - the IV was done in the first hour. In the fourth hour, the IV tube was used to administer the extra medication.

It's not pneumonia this time. Good! But fluid on the lungs is caused by "some" congestive heart failure. How much is "some?" I never find out. "Come on, non-medical brain," I scold myself. "Ask all the right questions!" Be her ears; she can't hear well. The medical people seem to never catch on to that. I tell them the obvious, "She can't hear you. Could you speak up?" I feel so alone. Anger lurks.

What's the determination? Admit into the hospital, or released back to the freedom and fearfulness of home? Only the doctor can tell us, but he's vanished. We're assured he'll return soon (maybe when he's come back from the junior prom, I find myself thinking – when did doctors get so young?). Ah! He's back. I wonder where he parked his prom tux! The pronouncement is made, "You'll be going home."

Bless the caregivers of the world. They give infinite physical and emotional care. Their unexpected journeys take them to places in the heart they never knew were there.

I know new dimensions of myself now. Some of them are painful, involving grief. Nothing is fully predictable. So, I find ways to be creative to help me focus on the elements of this journey that must take priority.

CARE is a much bigger word than I ever knew. It has multiple definitions, including, "a person or thing that is an object of anxiety or solicitude." As a caregiver, I learned to recognize that phenomenon, but decided it wouldn’t be what defined my caregiving existence. What I found more helpful was to embrace "watchful attention" and "to feel interest" as the definitions of caregiving on which to focus. That brings some soothing balance and a heightened ability to remember my CARE formula and receive its ingredients – Compassion, Acceptance, Readiness, Energy – when I need them most, especially now, years after my mother has passed.

May you also find Compassion, Acceptance, Readiness, Energy on your caregiving journey. Take CARE!

February 17, 2021 in Articles | Permalink | Comments (0)

Natural Tears

Sometimes the sky

Reminds me to cry

When it's raining 

Pouring

Storming!

The sky is not inhibited

Its tears are allowed to fall

Freely

In complete trust of their natural

Cessation.

The rain pours down

Unconcerned

that it may be inconvenient

for others.

Falling

free

is

Beautiful

Bountiful

0 Itazy rain storm

June 01, 2020 in Articles, Poetry | Permalink | Comments (0)

Feeling alone in grief

Duck Lebanon Park 2011

Mourning a loss is a unique experience for every individual. At times, grief may bring feelings of isolation when we long to be connected to another. We may wish another's grief was more similar to our own, and when it isn't, we are surprised by emotions of betrayal or anger.

Honor and remember your strengths. Being unique in your grief can be peaceful and beautiful.

Open - Be open to your full experience, even through the pain.

Persevere and trust that your pain will ease over time.

Encourage yourself by identifying your courage and beauty in new ways.

This is HOPE: Honor-Open-Persevere-Encourage.

These components of HOPE will help you more peacefully accept your grieving process and that of others.

 

May 13, 2020 in Articles, Susan's Reflections | Permalink | Comments (0)

A Three Hour Tour

No, it wasn’t Gilligan’s Island we visited. My husband and I signed up for a Ghost Tour of Seattle when we were there for a conference a few years ago. It was interesting to hear the “ghostly” spin that was put on stories that were mostly about historic crimes in the city. The tour guide started by telling us about the many types of haunts that can occur. The general theme was about how ghosts tend to hide out and occasionally make an appearance in various mischievous styles that catch our attention. But then they vanish again and we’re left questioning whether we actually saw them in the first place.

I attended a program that was a wonderful invitation for all of us to think about “breaking out of a mold” in which we may have found ourselves. I had to chuckle at some of the parallels a ghost story can have to trying to break out of a mold. Have you ever caught yourself doing something you do not enjoy, yet you've continued to do it daily?

This can be something as minor as using the same toothpaste your parents provided in childhood to something as major as your life work or significant relationships.

Sometimes we get good at something, only to discover our skill doesn’t bring us fulfillment. Or we may be doing tasks we’re not good at that we should hire someone to do for us. Yet to ask the question, "Should I change?" seems not to occur to us because the perceived risk of change is too great. A glimpse of that change may flash before us like a mischievous ghost. We definitely saw it in a flash, but then we doubt our own vision.

Fear of the unknown can be paralyzing, causing us to hide out in our familiar roles and routines. How do we know if this is what we've been doing?

These are the questions I’ve used to guide some of my mold-breaking:
Have I been hiding out in any area of my life?
Is there something I've been tolerating that I don't have to?
Am I staying put because I'm afraid a change will make things worse?
How do I assess if that’s an accurate perception?
Do I have a talent I’ve kept hidden away?

If you answer yes to half or more of the above questions, perhaps it is time to start your own “ghost tour.” Explore by asking friends, family, or colleagues what they see as most energizing to you. What do they see as your greatest talents? They can help you eliminate the doubt and trust your vision again. Compare the mix of answers. Is there a theme running throughout?

Next, ask yourself how often you get to do any of your favorite, energizing things in a typical week. If the answer is none or very little, begin to explore small steps you can take. Perhaps there are opportunities for your passion right where you are, but you just never noticed before.

Breaking a tough mold here and there is like meeting a friendly ghost. It helps us venture out of the familiar and explore new opportunities with courage. It can take time – more than a three hour tour! My latest conscious change has taken 10 years. But the energy boost it provides is worth it and the tour is much more fun that way. When your talents align with how you spend your time, you improve your overall health and joy in life. And that reaches others to boost the positive outcomes in the world.

August 03, 2015 in Articles | Permalink | Comments (0)

Approaching Memorial Day

I think of Memorial Day as an expanded gratitude day. Of course, gratitude is a healthy practice for each day of our lives. We get bonkers busy, however, and in our distractions fail to consciously notice all the things for which we are grateful. We may catch a few. But we "neglect to reflect" on the many others, which is a form of loss in itself. When we neglect to reflect, we lose the good feelings and physiological benefits of conscious gratitude.

Let Memorial Day open up a window of time for you to reflect about the people in your life who've passed on. What did they help you learn, either directly or indirectly? How has that enhanced your life? Is it time to modify it to better fit your current life in any way? What do you want to change about you?

Memorial Day can be a perfect time to reflect about the people in your life who are still living. Think about the questions above, and share those gratitudes with them, just for the health of it! You'll both get an encouraging and energetic boost.

  Hospice memorial candles 5-19-15

 

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May 19, 2015 in Articles | Permalink | Comments (0)

Forgiveness Defined

Forgiveness means, "to release an expectation that is causing you to suffer."

This definition is the best definition of forgiveness I've ever encountered and is attributed to Mary Hayes Grieco, an author and forgiveness teacher in St. Paul, Minnesota.

I happened upon materials from Mary's course on forgiveness that I attended last year. Regardless of the season, your stage of life, or any relationship matters you may be encountering at this very moment, please write down this definition of forgiveness.

When we carry perpetual resentment and feelings of ill-will toward someone or something, the suffering that happens is within us. No matter how severely you were wronged, your suffering is multiplied if forgiveness is absent.

Forgiveness never means that what happened is okay. It means you've made a conscious decision to free yourself of the pain caused by destructive emotions such as resentment, anger, and rage.

If you're interested in being guided through a process that helps you discover and release expectations that are causing you to suffer, contact [email protected].

 

November 13, 2014 in Articles | Permalink | Comments (0)

Empty on Full

Clouds 6-6-14Have you ever simultaneously experienced a very full schedule while feeling empty at the same time? In this fast-paced, achievement-oriented American culture, it's happening to more people with increasing frequency.

It's up to each of us to check in with ourselves to determine if we're running on fumes. You could call it "empty on full," as I did a few years ago when my seminar travel schedule got a bit too overloaded.

It happened again this past year as my mother's health was failing. She passed away in March. I am humbled by the grief and the full schedule of related tasks that remain. Empty on full again...time to take some time. Slow down the pace.

So, I wanted to share this amazing sun over the clouds picture taken while on a flight back to Minneapolis recently. It seemed so heavenly, I just couldn't resist waving to Mom, hoping like a child that she could see my tiny little head in the window of the large passenger plane. 

Overload can be triggered by many different kinds of personal or professional obligations. Many common life transitions can also cause this energy-draining situation such as job changes, relationship conflict, or loss of a loved one.

If you find yourself empty on full for any reason, take some time to float on the clouds. Whether it's just in a minutes-long meditation, or a month-long vacation, try to reverse empty on full. Go for some "Full on Empty." Empty your schedule (or your head) enough to fill up with some refreshing calm.

June 24, 2014 in Articles | Permalink | Comments (0)

Angel Mother

Grief never ends; it simply evolves over time. For most, its intensity eases as we learn new ways of navigating through our loss. Meanwhile, it can be very healing to have a keepsake item within easy view to remember good things.

My mother died two months ago. When I found a little angel dish, I bought it for one of my sisters. Then I realized I'd like to give it to all my siblings and all of Mom's grandchildren. I almost forgot to put myself on the list, but now I have one, too. Next thing I knew, I was writing this poem. It can be modified to fit the role or relationship for any loved one.

          Angel Mother

          My angel dish is beautiful and white;                    Angel dish Marion

          It helps me keep you forever in sight.

          I look at it, Mother, to think of you,

          And imagine your loving heavenly view.

 

          Your jewelry inside reminds me to smile

          When I think of your always classy style.

           I'm certain you must make heaven more bright,

           As you peacefully take each angelic flight.

   

          You showed us a spirit that was sweet and kind;

          And I hope that in me you will always find

          A touch of sweetness from your soul's sugar bowl,

          Sprinkling joy up to you in your heavenly role.

 

My mother was sweet most of all. So in the dish along with a small pair of her earrings, I placed a piece of her favorite hard candy. Together they remind me to focus on my gratitude for any sweetness that resides in me, which comes directly from her.

Seek what was good and gratitude will follow. It won't eliminate grief, but it will bring some relief during the difficult times.

 

May 15, 2014 in Articles, Poetry | Permalink | Comments (0)

I thought I was over that...

Lost relationships can host significant traumatic memories. In a recent coaching session, a client was amazed at how distressed she felt when she'd encounter reminders of her X. The list included certain places, foods, restaurants, songs, and other people.

The list is almost endless. I bet you can add a few of your own.

Keep in mind, now, that trauma does not have to entail a life-threatening experience. Instead, think of trauma on a continuum of stress. On one end is the classic, psychological definition of trauma of experiencing a life-threatening event. On the other end, a humiliating or psychologically abusive event can still be considered traumatic.

It can trigger unrelenting feelings of low self-worth, rejection, isolation, and many degrees of depression.

If you've been in a significant relationship characterized by any degree of trauma, when the relationship ends, you may have a more complicated recovery. You may have nightmares, flashbacks, ruminating thoughts, and other unpleasant experiences. These are just a few of the symptoms of PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Keep in mind these truths, so you resist beating yourself up about "not being over it yet":

  • Trauma has a long shelf life.
  • It can be re-triggered by related places, things, people (yes, even the kids).
  • If you felt humiliated or unsafe, especially if repeatedly so, your recovery takes more time.
  • Consider seeing a professional who can do a specific trauma methodology with you called EMDR.
  • EMDR helps you get new messages to your brain that help dissolve old habitual thoughts.
  • You can't think your way out of post-traumatic stress.
  • Your brain needs to develop new neural pathways, which is what EMDR helps create.

Respect the trauma you've experienced. It deserves to be healed over, not sealed over. Healing opens up new resources and belief in yourself again. Sealing, on the other hand, only opens you up for a wound to be broken open at any point. Sealing may seem helpful in the short term, but it leaves you vulnerable for greater pain and difficulty regaining strong mental health.

Healing is always best when done as early in the process as possible. Think of EMDR or trauma coaching as preventative. It prevents your trauma from creating more extensive problems down the road. And you'll feel so much better!

November 12, 2012 in Articles | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Rays of Hope in Times of Loss

  • Rays of Hope: Lighting the Way in Life's Transitions and Losses
Rays of hope
Available in Hardcover and for Kindle

MORE BOOKS

  • Zimmerman, Susan: Mindful Money Matters: 8 Ways to Honor Yourself and Your Financial Plan

    Zimmerman, Susan: Mindful Money Matters: 8 Ways to Honor Yourself and Your Financial Plan